My body is just too tired. 

Hi guys,

Sorry that I haven’t posted in a while, things have been a bit crazy.

I’m not going to go in to detail, but a few things have happened since I last spoke to you all. 

It’s so sad to think that I’ve had to make some super hard decisions because of how my head is at the minute, and it sucks to think that my future decisions may affect my loved ones.

All I can say is that if you can save yourself from drowning, please do, whether it’s trying your hardest to swim to shore alone, or simply hanging on to that one person to help you to stay afloat. Swimming to shore alone may feel like it’s impossible, but along the way you will find waves that will carry you when you will feel like you’re just too tired to keep going.

If you are struggling, please look out for those waves, or if you’re hanging on, don’t let go, no matter how rough the water is. I promise you won’t regret it. I love you all and the last thing I want to see is any of you sinking to the bottom, if I notice you drowning, I will personally reach out to pull you up. 

I am, myself, in a position were the water is only choppy, but I can sense a storm and I’m so unprepared. I feel like I won’t stand a chance when it comes as I have nothing to grab and my body is just too tired.

~ Chloe

Dating with mental illness.

Hey everyone,

Today I thought I would post something that I lot of you will be able to relate to; whether it’s the person you are dating that suffers from mental illness, or you are the sufferer.

First of all, do any of you ever feel like you’re never going to be enough for the person that you love?

Or that you’re not a strong enough person to be able to give them what they need?

Because I do.

It hurts to know that it doesn’t matter how badly you want to, you can’t be the person that they need you to be. Because it seems that there will always be something else that “you just can’t help” with. Does that make you feel useless?

It hurts to think that I can’t give the person I love everything that they need from a relationship, and that it’s all because of my stupid illness. It makes almost everything that people see as being “normal” extremely difficult for me, I can’t even be in a relationship without it interfering.

It’s just so, so difficult to live with it when you’re in a relationship. It’s like you’re basically dating your anxiety and depression too, except these two are controlling and manipulative, and they always fight for your attention.

It’s like you’re constantly having to feed them attention or they will turn on you and begin to drive you insane, making you feel super paranoid, useless, worthless and thinking that you don’t have a purpose anymore.

Trying to explain this to someone is really difficult as most people laugh it off so that they don’t have to deal with it, or shrug it off so that don’t have to support you as you fight against your demons.

Living alone with this mental illness is deadly, you never know when you’re going to snap, you never know when it’s going to tell you that you’ve had enough and that it’s time to leave (Yes, I mean exactly what you’re thinking).

So before you laugh or shrug your shoulders when they tell you that they’re struggling, maybe you should think that today could possibly be their last day, because the next thing you will say will be “I wish I could have helped”, when you could have, they tried to reach out to you and you didn’t take it seriously.

Eventually, It all comes down to the sweaty hand holding, the adrenalin fueled dates, the panic attacks, the arguments and being scared of losing him/her. Because even through all of that, those two people are still together and in love, but one of them just can’t handle the love rectangle anymore.

~ Chloe

Oh how I wish mental illness was visible. 

Hey, what’s up everyone?

Today’s post is also going to be a little personal, but at least you’ll start to get to know me better.

I just wanted to share with you guys my thoughts on how people seem to think it’s not happening just because they can’t see it. I don’t know if it’s just me, but i think it’s so rude for someone to tell someone else how they’re feeling. Like, I’m sorry, but you have no idea how I feel and I can’t even begin to describe how painful it is to go through what I do at every waking moment. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEE IT, IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT ISN’T HAPPENING.

People always feel sorry for people who are in hospital with a physical illness, they don’t come up to you and say “You’re obviously putting it on. You’re so selfish even being here, there are people worse off than you. You have no right to be ill”, do they? 

I shouldn’t have to feel so guilty everyday for what’s going on in my mind and how I react to it, I’m sick of having to hide the constant battle in my head in fear of people not believing me or just shrugging it off like it’s nothing. 

People who are close minded towards mental illness have no idea what it’s like for depression and anxiety to feel like they’re constantly fighting to be the centre of attention, when all I want is for my mind to be at peace so that I can be happy. I didn’t choose this, so people shouldn’t have to make me choose between trying to live with my illness (without being judged) and pushing it aside, essentially making myself worse, to keep them happy.  

Please don’t force me to act like my illness doesn’t exist, because it does, and if I was to explain how it feels in a physical sense… I’m drowning.

~ Chloe 

A day in the life of me.

1

Hi everyone,

Today’s post is kind of personal, but I know for a fact that you guys are going to be super supportive and you aren’t judgmental.

I’m just having a crappy day. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I know that sounds stupid but there’s no other way that I can explain it.

I literally feel like I’m so far in to the ground that I can’t even see the light anymore, I know what you guys are thinking and that’s not entirely true. I’m not suicidal right now, I just kind of want to leave this world but I don’t want to die, I just want all of this stupid crap to stop and I want to get away from it.

I’m constantly battling against my mind and it’s just so tiring guys. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. It doesn’t matter what I change about my life, I still feel the exact same and and I’m so sick of living this stupid life. I feel like such a failure.

I’ve always tried to stay positive but it’s really difficult at the minute, I’m hoping that somewhere, at least one of you guys understand, cause then at least I won’t feel so alone…

~ Chloe

Calling all soap fans!


Hi there! Just a quick post to make you aware of the brand new episode of Hollyoaks that aired at tonight at 6:30pm on Channel 4.
You’re probably wondering why I’m blogging about an episode of a soap on TV, well, tonight’s episode’s (6:30pm on Channel 4 and 7:00pm on E4. Catch up on All 4), are based around a character in the soap named Scott (I’m sure all of you fans of Hollyoaks will know exactly who I’m talking about.)

In these episodes, Scott is seen filming himself with his video camera, talking about the times he was taunted at school for being gay and how it’s not much different now. He also mentions how he feels that he isn’t important and that he is practically undateable.

Shortly after, he is seen laying in a hospital bed with his family surrounding him. Scott had attempted suicide because of the different factors affecting his life.

Well done Hollyoaks for addressing such serious issues for the whole country to see. Hopefully now people will realise that just one awful word can push someone over the edge.

~ Chloe

“Why are you so afraid of going to university?”

First of all, why aren’t these an actual thing?!  

And secondly, who isn’t scared to go to uni, right?

I mean, sure everyone gets nervous, of course they will, it’s a whole new place with lots of new people, but that doesn’t mean that people who suffer from a mental illness (such an anxiety) will hate the idea of going to University for the same reasons.

Here’s why:

So many people (teachers, parents, etc.) expect you to know exactly what you want out of life, they want you to have it all planned out, and they expect you to have this ‘plan’ ready for when you leave school. When in reality, most people don’t even know which route to take when they’ve finished college, and that’s absolutely fine. No-one can seriously believe that someone who has left just school/college and has been thrown straight in to this world head first, knows exactly what they want from life.                                                                    When you do leave school or college, you kind of get this feeling that you’re not going to get anywhere in life because it seems like everyone around you has this amazing plan that they’ve created… yet, everyone is in the exact same boat as you. … relatable?

Well that’s kind of what It’s like to live with Anxiety. It appears to me that everyone is moving on with their lives; getting apprenticeships, getting jobs, going to University, (I’m 1 year behind everyone else with the whole uni situation, I’ll talk about this in a future post) and basically have this big plan mapped out for them and I’m just stuck in this rut. I feel like I’m going absolutely nowhere. *sigh*

Anyway, you’re probably thinking, “Well, yes, i kind of have an idea how people with anxiety may feel about their future’s, but answer your question, why are you so scared to go to University?” 

Well my friends, it’s all because me, of all people, have applied to study Psychology and Counselling. Yep, I said it, little miss “I can’t get on public transport!”, has plans to study Psychology at degree level whilst living at home.

Funny, right? Someone suffering from mental illness wants to study Psychology. Well, I guess it is a little strange, which is why I’m scared that people will think I’m stupid for wanting to study it, but it will hopefully help me understand the mind properly and how it works (according to my college tutor). Plus I think It’s super interesting anyway.

The only problem is now… how am I supposed to get there?                                       And there is no simple answer to this question in my mind. Let me give you an idea of what happens in my brain when I ask myself this question.

Do I get the train? No, don’t be silly, you can’t get the train, what if you miss it? Or trip and fall over? What if you get on the wrong train? WHAT IF YOU MISS YOUR STOP? You can’t be late, people will stare at you as you walk in. 

How about a taxi? No! What if you don’t bring enough money and you can’t afford the fare? What if the car breaks down? 

Aaand that ladies and gentleman is the main reason why i’m afraid to go to university, It’s because i.can’t.even.get.there. Damn you anxiety. 

~ Chloe 

Me + poetry = ?

wp-image-1556673794Hi everyone!

I can’t sleep again (shock), so there’s something else that I’d love to share with you on this fine night. A few years back i fell in love with the art of poetry and even decided to write a few pieces of my own.

Unfortunately, because my mental health began to deteriorate, my love for writing poetry started to dwindle. Although, I still have a soft spot for spoken word poetry, and I’m working towards being confident enough to ride on a train to see Neil Hilborn in August!

Anyway, enough background. As this blog is surrounding mental illness, i’d like to show you a poem (‘Veins’) that i wrote about self harm back in December 2012.

Let me know what you guys think!

~ Chloe 

It was like a force,
Something telling me to pull open that drawer,
Telling me that thing inside it,
Was something I needed.
craving.

A sudden shoot of adrenalin darted through my body,
“I want this”, I whispered.
A needle was pulled out of the drawer…
Then it stood,hovering over my weak arm,
“Come on,you can do this.”, I reassured myself.

It plummeted into my forearm,
I could feel it travelling deeper and deeper,
Sure it hurt, but I deserved it.
The pain circled my arm causing me to feel drowsy,

I pulled it out…

The tonic of the vampires’ liquid climbed its way out of my flesh,
The coppery smell of it drifted under my nose,
Causing me to roll my eyes back,
I laid there lifeless,
Thinking of all the senses it stimulated 
It tasted like salt,
Like a bitter sweet candy land in my mouth.

I was an addict to my own blood.