Just checking in to get some things off my mind and see if you can help me with something.
For some reason, since I woke up I’ve been feeling like my life is going to end soon. I’m not suicidal and I don’t have any plans to end my life, I just literally feel like this is the end and I’m not sure why. Has anyone else had that feeling? Where you feel like you should be making the most of your time cause it feels like it’s quickly running out? I’m not sure if it’s because of my anxiety because it has been flaring up a lot lately. I dont know, i’m not sure what it is but the feeling has brought a dark cloud over my head and I feel very uncertain about everything.
I’ve never felt like this before and it’s really worrying me. I’m supposed to be going back go uni today but all of this feels so overwhelming and I think if I got on the bus to go, i’d be getting off at the next stop come home. I know that I’m probably really behind now, but i’d rather be an extra day behind so that I can sort my head out and be ready to catch up tomorrow, than go today and not take any notice of what’s going on.
On a different note, I’ve been feeling really low about something else too. I feel like I’m never going to be able to recover from my problems and that I’ll have anxiety and depression forever. Doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try to change things, it’s still there and it is really getting me down. Of course I have my good days and stuff, but my “good days” should be what I’m like all the time and “when is it going to come back?” Is always in the back of my mind, cause my mood changes so quickly. I could be having a great time at a party or something then something will just snap and i’d miserable even though nothing has made me feel that way.
I have a few very close friends who I tend to open up to about this, and I can’t shake the feeling that they’re fed up of my moods. Most of the time they can tell that I’ve had a mood change so they ask what’s wrong and I always answer with “I don’t know”, and I think it’s getting old to them. I’m so fearful of my close ones giving up on me and that’s always in the back on my mind too.
I also feel like I’m kind of stuck in a bubble while everyone else in moving on in life, I’m 20 next year and I’ve felt this way since i was 14. I know that you’re not doing much when you’re 14 anyway but I’m at university now and I’m supposed to be sticking in and getting stuff done, moving on with everything by making new friends and all. I just, I don’t really know, I suppose I’m just fed up of living like this.