Hey guys,

Just checking in to get some things off my mind and see if you can help me with something.

For some reason, since I woke up I’ve been feeling like my life is going to end soon. I’m not suicidal and I don’t have any plans to end my life, I just literally feel like this is the end and I’m not sure why. Has anyone else had that feeling? Where you feel like you should be making the most of your time cause it feels like it’s quickly running out? I’m not sure if it’s because of my anxiety because it has been flaring up a lot lately. I dont know, i’m not sure what it is but the feeling has brought a dark cloud over my head and I feel very uncertain about everything. 

I’ve never felt like this before and it’s really worrying me. I’m supposed to be going back go uni today but all of this feels so overwhelming and I think if I got on the bus to go, i’d be getting off at the next stop come home. I know that I’m probably really behind now, but i’d rather be an extra day behind so that I can sort my head out and be ready to catch up tomorrow, than go today and not take any notice of what’s going on. 

On a different note, I’ve been feeling really low about something else too. I feel like I’m never going to be able to recover from my problems and that I’ll have anxiety and depression forever. Doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try to change things, it’s still there and it is really getting me down. Of course I have my good days and stuff, but my “good days” should be what I’m like all the time and “when is it going to come back?” Is always in the back of my mind, cause my mood changes so quickly. I could be having a great time at a party or something then something will just snap and i’d miserable even though nothing has made me feel that way.

I have a few very close friends who I tend to open up to about this, and I can’t shake the feeling that they’re fed up of my moods. Most of the time they can tell that I’ve had a mood change so they ask what’s wrong and I always answer with “I don’t know”, and I think it’s getting old to them. I’m so fearful of my close ones giving up on me and that’s always in the back on my mind too. 

I also feel like I’m kind of stuck in a bubble while everyone else in moving on in life, I’m 20 next year and I’ve felt this way since i was 14. I know that you’re not doing much when you’re 14 anyway but I’m at university now and I’m supposed to be sticking in and getting stuff done, moving on with everything by making new friends and all. I just, I don’t really know, I suppose I’m just fed up of living like this.

~ Chloe

A bump in the road.

Hi everyone,

*sigh*

I’m just taking the time to write to you all and let you know how things are going as of now. Maybe a few of you can relate.

I feel like this is a time where my life is going a bit crazy, like, I’ve stopped going to uni as much (even though I’ve only been going for about 5 weeks) and I’ve began to start drinking during the day again. Basically, it’s getting bad again and I know that I shouldn’t have stopped taking my medication because I felt better, because i know that it always ends in relapse.

There’s just been so many things going on lately and I’m struggling to cope a little. I haven’t really been feeling myself and it’s affecting a number of people around me and it’s making me feel so guilty.

I just wish that after 6 years of feeling so down, i could finally have a break from it all and feel genuinely happy. I know that it’s all going to be okay in the future but it’s so hard to think about that when everthing is going so wrong right now.

My loved ones have tried their best to motivate me and help me get back to university but I just feel like it’s the whole “Yeah you’ve broken your leg but if you push then you can do it”, kind of thing. I know that it’s not that obvious guys but I’m mentally ill and sometimes it feels virtually impossible to push myself to go. Even if I did manage to go, i’d only be sat taking no notice anyway, so what’s the point?

Ugh, I’m just so unmotivated and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am now but I just feel like I’m not cut out for it, and that I’m going to fail anyway, no matter how hard I try.

I feel that I’m constantly letting people down but they’ve got to understand that I’m under a lot of pressure right now, and I’m not perfect so I can’t always do what is asked of me.

I feel like I have to start thinking about myself and what is good for me. 

Hopefully when I update you all next time, I’ll be feeling better and ready to tackle my obstacles again.

Anyway, I hope that you guys are well. I wish you all health and happiness and just incase no-one has told you recently, you’re amazing and you’re capable of incredible things. I believe in you!

~ Chloe 

Quiet your mind.

Hi everyone,
Today’s post is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster (you’ll see why soon), but i thought that it was important to write this one as I thought it could help a few people.

Okay, so first off, i’d like to start off this post by filling you all in on how things have been the past few days.
Since my last post, it seems that my crazy mood swings are back with a vengeance, and they’ve brought some awful thoughts along with them.
Today was one of the worst I’ve experienced in a while, I felt weighed down again and I had this awful lump in my throat and had a huge knot in my stomach for hours. All i kept thinking was that all of this would go away and i wouldn’t need to worry about university or anything if I were dead.
Other awful thoughts were that my boyfriend would eventually get sick of everything and leave, and that I’ll always be alone and misunderstood because no one truly knows exactly how I feel.
I hate to think that you guys can relate to those thoughts but I know that some of you can.
And I know what those other people are thinking, “well here we go, she’s back to square one”, when actually that’s not the case this time.

I said a few posts ago that I had decided it was time for me to really kick depression and anxiety’s butt and that’s exactly what I’m trying to do lately (it’s a work in progress). I managed to rip that awful mood off by back today by simply opening my eyes to the beauty of the world. It may sound silly but if you tell yourself that life is beautiful, and you think about all of the wonderful things that you are yet to do, something kind of amazing happens in your mind and suddenly the thoughts are quieter and more soothing thoughts start to drift in.

If you or anyone you know and love are experiencing thoughts that are ruining their happiness, try to explain to them or yourself that you are fully in control of your thoughts and that all of what you’re telling yourself isn’t true. There IS beauty in the world and you find it if you just get through the storm and wait for the sunshine. Happiness is the break in the clouds and I promise that you’ll see it soon. The rain won’t last forever, and after all, even if you’re not still feeling 100% when the clouds break, a rainbow is just as beautiful as the sun.

Metaphors aside, the main point is that even when you’re in recovery, there will be some set backs but you can’t let that stop your motivation and enthusiasm. You WILL get there and you WILL be happy again. All it takes is a little self love and patience.

I love you guys.

~ Chloe

To, my rock.

Hi guys,
Tonight’s post is going to be a little bit ‘pashy’, so if you’re not in to the ‘lovely dovey’ kind of posts then now is the right time to click off from this one.

For the ones who can relate, have you ever felt like one person in particular can make you feel like your mental illness doesn’t even exist, even when it’s just when you’re physically with them? Cause I do, and it’s the best feeling in the world, even if it is just masking the pain for a short period of time. I’m not going to mention the person’s name that I’m thinking of cause I want it to be personal to you guys.

But, doesn’t it feel like when you’re with them, everything bad in your life just kind of disappears and you can conquer the world? It’s absolutely amazing that one person can have such a big impact on your mood and the view that you have of life. It’s kind of scary in a way, cause I feel like I have nothing when I’m without them, but when they are there, I seem to see everything in a whole different light and I feel so optimistic about a lot of things.

I know that this is completely different from the posts that I said I would publish, but I feel like a lot of people can relate to what I’m saying so I thought it could be beneficial to others. The main reason I wanted to write this post is to say that it’s okay to only feel happy when you’re with a certain someone, cause at the end of the day, that’s so much better than feeling miserable 24/7, and I guess it’s also one step closer to true happiness.

All I can say is that if you can actually relate to this post, and you do have a special someone that seems to make all of your problems go away, hold on to them. I did, and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.

Now to make the end of this post personal and to really reach the person who influenced me to write this, “Thank you for staying even if you had every reason to leave. Thank you for making it easier when life gets hard.”

~ Chloe 

Time to change/ Uni life

Welcome back!

Sorry I haven’t posted in a minute, but I’m back and I finally feel ready to tackle my illness. 

Why now, you ask?

Well, my life is finally starting to look up for me. In my last post, I found myself in a very dark place. It just wasn’t a great time in my life and it felt like it was going to be impossible to move past the things I was battling with. But in the time that I’ve been absent from posting, some sort of miracle happened and I was accepted on to my course at university and everything just kind of changed. Like, I’m happy about it cause I’ll be studying something that really interests me, but I’m even more delighted because I feel like someone, somewhere has given me a second chance at life and they’re basically telling me that this is the time where I have to turn my life around and make something of myself. It’s sounds really strange, I know, but it’s just insane how quickly everything changed for me. It felt like nothing was going right and now I feel like there’s just so much more light in my life and someone has just ripped open the box I was in and pulled me out. I feel really optimistic about this new start in life and I’m going to try my best to combat my anxiety and really get myself out there, you know? Enjoy life and grab every opportunity with both hands.

Edit:

So I had this post all typed up in a draft for a couple of weeks all ready to upload, but I thought I’d hold off posting and wait until I started university properly so i can let you all know how it’s going.

Well I can say that it’s a lot different from what I was expecting but that’s a good thing. I was expecting it to be really daunting and complicated but I actually feel pretty calm about it and my tutors and the other students are really friendly and the campus isn’t too hard to get around. 

A couple of posts ago, I told you all that I’m basically a nightmare when it comes to public transport and stuff, but getting the bus there and back every day  (sometimes by myself) has really helped with my anxiety. Although I’m kind of getting used to it, having to get off at my stop is still terrifying and I’m always scared incase I fall over, but I’m working on that. 

I’m actually really proud of myself for making such a big step and throwing myself in to the deep end, i never thought i’d be able to continue with my college course never mind get in to uni. It’s going to be hard adjusting to this new life but I’m still just as excited to continue and progress in to my degree as I was about starting. Its going to be a difficult 3 years working towards it, but getting something out of all of the hard work will keep my on my toes and make me not want to give up. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity to make something of myself, and i’m honestly so grateful.

 All that’s left to say now is that you may feel that you aren’t going to go anywhere in life or that you aren’t capable of achieving your goals, but if you really want to do something, you can do it! 

~ Chloe 

Why is everything so heavy?

Hi everyone,

 I’m sorry that it’s been a while since I last posted, I’ve just been getting caught up in a few things lately and couldn’t think clearly enough to write anything.

When I first started this blog, I was so motivated and thinking positive about “getting better” and actually starting to live a proper life, but now I just feel like those thoughts and feelings are long gone and this is basically a place where I write to you guys, as if i was confiding in you as friends. I feel like I have a connection with my readers and it’s so special to me, it makes me feel like people are actually listening and that I’m not alone.

Just like a lot of my posts lately, this one is going to be personal, but you’ll find that this one is a little different to the others.

You see, staying up all night is all fun and games when you’re young and have great company, but it’s not so fun when your eyes start to burn as the sun shines brightly through the blinds, as you desperately try to get some sleep.

It’s all fine to feel sad sometimes and have off days, but it’s crushing to lay in bed staring at the same four walls all day because you just can’t deal with day-to-day life anymore.

It’s perfectly ok to feel anxious about performing in front of an audience or meeting your partner’s family members, but it’s soul destroying to sit there as your stomach turns – thinking that you’ve done wrong when really it’s “all in your head” or your overreacting and thinking too much in to things.

It’s a beautiful thing to fall for someone and have the want to give them your everything, but it rips you apart to think that they don’t actually like you and that they wouldn’t even care if you were gone.

See, that’s the thing, I know that people would care when I’m gone, ’cause “she was so strong and beautiful.” Right?

I mean, that’s what they all say when someone commits suicide. Would I be telling the truth if I said that people only care when you’re dead? 

Because right now I feel like I have no support, and that’s probably a big kick in the teeth for the small number of people who actually bother to ask how I am once in a while, and offer me their support, but it’s just almost impossible to feel like i’m not alone when I feel like no one truly understands how I feel.

I’m sick of being here every day doing the same thing because I’m just too terrified to change anything up or to take up hobbies. And, like, I daren’t even get a job… it’s completely ridiculous and I need to give my head a shake, I know.

Each day I open my eyes with this huge feeling of regret that I held on to my life for another day, which allowed me to wake up and feel this physically heavy feeling and huge knot in my stomach consume me. I can’t eat properly, I can’t often sleep, I drink way too often and I solely rely on others for my “happiness”.

Do you have any idea how shattering it is to be told that you’re selfish for suffering from suicidal thoughts when the only reason you’re still here is for the people who continue to pick at you and say stupid things because they’re “mad”.

You think I’m not mad? All I want is to lead a life that consists of health and happiness and all I get is this constant feeling that I don’t belong here and that there won’t be an empty space when I’m gone. People will soon forget about me and continue getting on with their lives. It hurts, because it’s the exact same now. If I cry out for help people react because they can’t have the shame of someone they know killing themselves, but then once they’ve convinced themselves that I’m not going anywhere, they forget about me again.

I know that I’m rambling but I just kind of wanted make you guys aware of how painful it is to have to continue living a life you dont want for people who only care when they want to.

I don’t want this life, I don’t want it. It won’t get better, it’s only getting worse. And don’t you dare try to tell anyone who is suicidal that they are selfish people because they are living in pain for your benefit, not theirs. 

I’m tired, I’m so, so tired and I just want to let go. It’s been way too long and I’ve suffered enough.

~ Chloe 

A box.

Hi guys,

So basically, this post is kind of about other people (more so, people who are really close to us) and the things that they say that are “supposed to help”, but seem to make things so much worse. 

If you guys didn’t know, I went on holiday to Majorca for a week very recently (kind of why I haven’t posted), and it was actually chilled. I had a few spells when I felt pretty terrible but it was actually bearable. Although, I felt like i had to act ok because of the people I was on holiday with, and that’s probably why I felt like it was bearable. I feel like I’m going off track and rambling. I guess that was kind of me trying to keep you up to date.

Anyway, the main reason that I created this post is to kind of try to explain to people how it feels when they try to help when they actually make it worse.

Telling me that I need to get somewhere in life and to push myself more gives me the idea that I’m a failure, it’s not giving me any incentive to make more of my life, it’s beating me further down. Putting that kind of pressure on me just makes me want to give up because if I need to push myself, then i’m obviously not trying hard enough for other people, and right now, it’s the best I can do.

“Pull yourself together and sort your life out”, has got to be the worst. Like, what does that even mean? 

How am i supposed to do that?

When people say things like that, i suppose it feels like you’ve been thrown in to a box and it’s been locked. It feels like you’re never going to find the key, and that’s because it’s too dark to see anything in there. I know that I’m always using metaphors, but it’s because I find it’s easier to explain things to you guys that way. So, you’re in the box, it’s locked and it’s too dark to find the key, what do you do? Just try harder? Yes? But what’s the point? You’re only going to stress yourself more. You have to stay calm and think of an alternative to finding a way out. You could try shouting for help, but will anyone stop in the middle of their busy lives to help or even notice such a small voice?

Please think before you speak, because for all you know, you could be adding more locks to the box without even knowing, and what’s a life just looking for keys in the darkness?

~ Chloe 

What do you see?

Hey everyone,

This is going to be a super messy and confusing post, but i’ve just been thinking about something lately, and i wasn’t quite sure on how to share it with you guys, so I’ve decided to kind of write a little story to try and explain… I mean, it has a great message to it (at least I hope), so it’s worth a shot!

Like I said, it’s hard to explain exactly what I mean, so imagine this…

Imagine you’re standing in a street that is silent, there is no one in sight and it’s so quiet that you could hear a penny drop. Then, you begin to let your eyes drift past each of the houses, inspecting them as your eyes move. You start to think about the types of families that live in these houses; loving, content and happy.

But then you notice an open window on the house in front of you, and you can see and hear someone shouting and crying inside. Suddenly the house doesn’t seem so peaceful anymore, does it? 

(This is where i’ll hopefully start to make sense and actually get to my point.)

Ok, i’d like you to allow your mind to imagine a person. They appear to be loved by everyone and they seem content and happy in their lives when you see them, but then suddenly you have an urge to look up in to their eyes. For the first time, you’ve noticed that they don’t shine as bright as their personality, in fact, you can see that this person is suffering inside, and their only way of showing their pain is through their saddened eyes.

 Right, so, in every house there are visible windows, and some of the time at least one of those windows will be open. By opening them up, people are essentially sharing a part of their lives with us, as with our eyes and ears, we can determine what kind of life they are living through them.

Now, i used that metaphor to try and get you to understand that people are like houses and our eyes are like windows. When looking in to those windows, you are seeing so much more than you would by simply looking at the house as a whole.

If you just take a minute so focus solely on the windows of a person, what do you see?

You never know what is happening inside.

Be kind, always.

~ Chloe

My body is just too tired.

Hi guys,

Sorry that I haven’t posted in a while, things have been a bit crazy.

I’m not going to go in to detail, but a few things have happened since I last spoke to you all. 

It’s so sad to think that I’ve had to make some super hard decisions because of how my head is at the minute, and it sucks to think that my future decisions may affect my loved ones.

All I can say is that if you can save yourself from drowning, please do, whether it’s trying your hardest to swim to shore alone, or simply hanging on to that one person to help you to stay afloat. Swimming to shore alone may feel like it’s impossible, but along the way you will find waves that will carry you when you will feel like you’re just too tired to keep going.

If you are struggling, please look out for those waves, or if you’re hanging on, don’t let go, no matter how rough the water is. I promise you won’t regret it. I love you all and the last thing I want to see is any of you sinking to the bottom, if I notice you drowning, I will personally reach out to pull you up. 

I am, myself, in a position were the water is only choppy, but I can sense a storm and I’m so unprepared. I feel like I won’t stand a chance when it comes as I have nothing to grab and my body is just too tired.

~ Chloe

Dating with mental illness.

Hey everyone,

Today I thought I would post something that I lot of you will be able to relate to; whether it’s the person you are dating that suffers from mental illness, or you are the sufferer.

First of all, do any of you ever feel like you’re never going to be enough for the person that you love?

Or that you’re not a strong enough person to be able to give them what they need?

Because I do.

It hurts to know that it doesn’t matter how badly you want to, you can’t be the person that they need you to be. Because it seems that there will always be something else that “you just can’t help” with. Does that make you feel useless?

It hurts to think that I can’t give the person I love everything that they need from a relationship, and that it’s all because of my stupid illness. It makes almost everything that people see as being “normal” extremely difficult for me, I can’t even be in a relationship without it interfering.

It’s just so, so difficult to live with it when you’re in a relationship. It’s like you’re basically dating your anxiety and depression too, except these two are controlling and manipulative, and they always fight for your attention.

It’s like you’re constantly having to feed them attention or they will turn on you and begin to drive you insane, making you feel super paranoid, useless, worthless and thinking that you don’t have a purpose anymore.

Trying to explain this to someone is really difficult as most people laugh it off so that they don’t have to deal with it, or shrug it off so that don’t have to support you as you fight against your demons.

Living alone with this mental illness is deadly, you never know when you’re going to snap, you never know when it’s going to tell you that you’ve had enough and that it’s time to leave (Yes, I mean exactly what you’re thinking).

So before you laugh or shrug your shoulders when they tell you that they’re struggling, maybe you should think that today could possibly be their last day, because the next thing you will say will be “I wish I could have helped”, when you could have, they tried to reach out to you and you didn’t take it seriously.

Eventually, It all comes down to the sweaty hand holding, the adrenalin fueled dates, the panic attacks, the arguments and being scared of losing him/her. Because even through all of that, those two people are still together and in love, but one of them just can’t handle the love rectangle anymore.

~ Chloe